I am so tired as I am writing this. Today was a long day. It was just a “straw that broke the camel’s back” kind of stress situation, between work and parenting and general life. A lot of small things adding up.

We continue to learn more about Big L. Her favorite color is red.

We’re quite certain that she understands more English than she lets on. She sometimes sits next to me and reads everything I am typing. She often reads words in when we are in stores. Her pronunciation usually decent, too. I’m not sure if it’s fear or a lack of understanding about how to use words conversationally, but she rarely talks in English beyond a few phrases. “WHATA!?”, “I love you”, “Thank you” and “You’re welcome”. It will come.

I remind myself to treat her like she is younger, or at least offer to treat her like I do with my younger kids. I offered to cut her food up one day. It’s a silly little thing, but I want her to know that if she wants to be mothered in that way, it’s okay. Today she asked me to put sunscreen on her face. Even Reed and Lena (mostly) do their own, I did put it on for her. This really isn’t a time for shoving her out of the nest and telling her to grow up. It’s a time for building the nest up around her. To let her know that it’s okay to stay and soak up all that she feels like she might have missed out on.

We continue the tradition of opening a link each night and rubbing her feet with “Peace and Calming”. In fact, each of my kids get some “Peace and Calming” on their feet with a gentle foot rub. It’s become a time for us to connect, no matter how we clashed during the day.

Tonight, she discovered that I had written “I love you” in Ukrainian in the journal I bought for her. She hasn’t been interested in writing, so this is the first time she cracked it open. I think she was surprised and rather pleased that I attempted to write it in Ukrainian.

Tonight’s chain link that she opened was a bible verse, Proverbs 3:24. “If you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.”

For each of the Bible verses, she hands me the English/Russian parallel Bible I bought her, so that I can find the verse. Then, she reads it again and we use the link as a bookmark, to find it again later.

A Bible verse that has been particularly meaningful for me is Matthew 6:34: “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (the Message)

There is a natural inclination to worry– preteen orphan, stranger in our home. To know we’re in the honeymoon period and that certainly there will be hard moments in the next 9 weeks. But, all of that worry just gets in the way of loving her. This verse is a reminder to live in the moment and love her without waiting for her behavior to change or wondering how we might impact her life. Love her because she is here, in the present, and eager to be loved.

I’ve also been very convicted lately to ask WHO is behind my thoughts and feelings…

Have any inspiration you’d like to share? I’d love to hear it.

Today was a harder day. I had to work. The power went out. And, I had scheduled Big L’s eye exam. An eye exam is a requirement of the program. LensCrafters has a program called “the Gift of Sight” where they donate a free eye exam and classes to qualifying children.

Right from the start, this was scary. We were taken into a little room where they had her read the letters from a chart, look at her eyes and do the puff of air into her eyes. Then we were taken back out to the waiting room and told it would be just a few minutes. I don’t go to Lens Crafters, so I am unfamiliar with their process and thought it was over. She was still nervous so I told her we just needed to wait for the results and we’d go get ice cream. WRONG. We still had to go in with the doctor and read more letters. She was so scared. I would have been, too. In a dimly lit room with only one person I barely know, plus a complete stranger giving me  all kinds of instructions in a language I didn’t understand. I requested they give her numbers and she pushed through it.

So, then, they said she needed glasses. Not desperately, but they’re free with the program. They brought us a box of pairs to choose from. My messages were along the lines of “Please try them on.” Shakes head. “Once you try them on, we are done.” Shakes head. “Just pick one and we can go.”

I pulled out one of my favorites and she nodded. Yes, those. Finally done. Ice cream earned. I apologized for my mistake about several times. When we walked out of the store, I put my arm around her and the relief was visible. She smiled at me and grabbed my hand. All better.

We were to one of those frozen yogurt places where you pick your own toppings.

Reed went a little crazy.

We had to go into another restaurant to use the bathrooms. We were waiting for Reed and there was a large chalkboard. Look at what she wrote me. In English. In Cursive.

She also got to play on my mom’s iPad today. I’m not sure she’ll get it again. My kids are rarely allowed to play on the iPad because it gets out of hand VERY quickly. A well-loved “toy” like that can make little problems turn into big problems. Tonight, my issue with it was really sucking her in and instead of spending time with us, she was playing Solitaire and Candy Crush. No thank you.

Well, tomorrow, another day. Hopefully a better one.

Can you tell I’m running out of post names? But, that is a direct Lena quote from today and you’ll understand why at the end of the post.

We started off our day with those beads that you iron together. Only Reed, Lena and I made something.

The one on the left is Papa and the one on the right is Reed.

We made bracelets.

Big L picked red, white and blue for her bracelet colors. America?

We played bubbles…

hopscotch and basketball.

There was a water balloon fight.

More Bubbles.

Lena picked out Big L’s dress today (as well as her own).

One of my favorite things that Big L and I did today was use the Memrise app on my phone. It is for language learning and I’ve been trying to learn Russian. You can also play it on a computer. I’ve been practicing it for quite awhile. So, I pulled it out in front of her and she got close, curious to see what it was. I said the word in English and tried to say it in Russian. She’d correct my pronunciation or occasionally even shake her head at my hopelessness. But, by the end of the night, she was quietly copying my English pronunciation, too. She is very slowly becoming bolder with her English.

I’m also noticing how carefully she watches my parenting. She will follow me inside, if I have to take one of my kids in. She watches me intently, perhaps waiting for a big punishment. I only wish she understood my words, so she could hear “you are welcome to come out and talk to me whenever you feel ready to make good decisions.” I want her to know that there is no violence coming. That even being “in trouble” will probably get you a big hug when you are ready for it.

And, she watched me play with Gus for awhile tonight. We saw on the grass together. He was upset, so I started singing. She watched us with a smile on her face as we sang Old MacDonald, Bingo, and Skinamarinky Dinky Dink.

Fireflies. I saw them come out, so we started hunting. It is truly magical to see a familiar experience through someone else’s eyes. Hers got huge when she saw them light up.

At bedtime, I pulled out our essential oils. I promise this isn’t a commercial– that thought didn’t cross my mind until now, but my friend Amy did a great post on essential oils recently. Purchasing through her links benefits her adoption. Anyways, I’ve recently started trying them, particularly a Young Living one called “Peace and Calming”. This is a different brand than the one Amy sells, but I think they are both good brands. I purchased it in hopes that it might help my wild sleeper, Gus.

Tonight, I pulled it out and went one by one, giving each kid a foot rub. Reed and Gus first. When I did Gus’s feet, Lena announced “Gus, your feet smell beautiful!” Then Lena, then lastly, Big L. I wasn’t sure if she’d let me, or tell me that she didn’t want it. But, instead, she put her feet in my lap and let me rub it in. She just smiled, uncertain. Will the essential oils really help the kids sleep better? Who cares. The real message is: I love you right down to your dirty feet.

Today was the day.

Arrivals. I was somewhere in that nervous and excited zone.

They asked us to get there an hour before the scheduled arrival time, knowing we’d have some waiting when you add in time to get through customs and all.

There was A LOT of waiting.

Really, a lot of waiting…

Pull your sunglasses off of your head to entertain your toddler kinds of waiting.

Then, the kids came out. A host dad and I were in the process of trying to figure out where to stand when my mom said my name and when I turned around, there she was. Gorgeous, taller than I imagined. She’s nearly my height. She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.

Pretty much take back everything I’ve learned about hosting and pre-teens. Except for the awkward silence that comes along with not having a common language between you.

They tell you to expect that your host child is the size of and behaves 2-3 years younger than their real age. Big L seems 2-3 years OLDER than her real age to me.

We’ve had many moments of nervousness/exhaust/boredom. And then moments like this. Filled with laugher.

Chasing Reed around the house.

Or wrapping her arms around Lena and then braiding her hair.

Reed and Lena have been great with her and getting her to smile and laugh. She has been exceptionally helpful and good. Washing hands, brushing teeth, helping the younger kids put their toys away. I keep reminding myself that as mature as she acts and looks, there’s a little girl underneath that who is nervous and scared. She’s younger than she seems.

We were able to transition into bedtime pretty smoothly. She watched me tuck each kid into bed, then it was her turn. I gave her a hug and we opened up the first of her links. L is brave. And, she smiled big. Brave to cross the ocean, brave to go home with an unfamiliar family. Brave to open herself up to this.