Right now, Big L is on a plane over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Late last night, we went to the store to pick up the family photos from yesterday and get some last minute things. I asked Big L what she needed and she hesitated for a bit, then told me “shampoo”. More hesitation and then the gesture for hair ties. “Anything else? … toothpaste? toothbrush? (joking) a diaper?” “Hmmm… mama to go to [home country].” Oh my girl, how I wish I could.

We woke her up very early this morning. When she walked out of the bathroom after getting dressed, wearing the Me + Family = Awesome shirt that she picked out for this hard day, her eyes were red and puffy. I held my arms out and she curled her body into mine. Her face was pressed against my sleeve and I could barely feel that silent, painful cry that all orphans know. I had no magic words, nothing to make this morning better. I just kissed her forehead, told her that I love her, and held her there as long as I could. Sometimes, there’s no better, no numbing the pain.

(“We love you.”)

Many people have told me they could never host because they couldn’t do the goodbye. Well, folks, it’s just as hard as you think it is. The anticipation of that goodbye has been sneaking up on me all week and the emotion hit me when she walked out the door. But, the goodbye reminded me exactly why we host. The hard goodbye tells me that we did it right. We loved her well and once again, we became her family. We gave her a small break from the hard life of a parent-less preteen and a soft place to land away from the conflicts of her “real life”. 3.5 weeks just to be a kid. 3.5 weeks to get all of the hugs and kind words and love that we could give her. So, yes, the goodbye was hard, but it was so, so worth it. We did our best and loved her well. And, she loved us well, too.

We’re aching over here, missing the daughter and big sister we all love. Gus told me today, “Mama, I fink I wost [Big L]. I wooked for her and I can’t find her.” Lots of people have asked if we have plans to host her again and/or adopt her. We haven’t made any plans yet, which isn’t to say that it won’t happen, but it’s unclear at the moment. We’re taking things one day at a time and praying for her future.

After putting Big L’s photo album together last night and realizing there was not a single photo of me and only a couple with Aaron, I had the goal to get a family photo today. I wanted to make it quick and easy, as it was too cold to do it outside, and it’s not like Big L needed anything fancy.

We snapped a couple after Reed and Lena got home from school.

Eh. Here’s the tickle version.

As I was getting ready to order prints of these, Aaron said, “do you want to go to the overlook?” It was about time for sunset, so we quickly piled into the van.

I grabbed the tripod and my gear as we headed out the door.

Better, but I should have told Aaron to wear his nicer coat! Oops.

They asked me to snap this one.

It seemed pretty appropriate that we watched the sun set together as the (cheesy metaphorical) sun set on Big L’s visit. When the sun rises again, she’ll be on a plane to another part of the US, the first step to her departure.

Our house definitely has a somber feeling to it this evening. Last time when we said goodbye, we thought we would be starting her adoption and that made it easier for us (although not for her, as we were not allowed to tell her). But, this time is different. We really don’t know when we’ll see her again and that’s hard. 😦 I’m wondering how we’ll get through the next few days as it hits the kids that she’s gone and we have no answers for the future. One step at a time, I suppose.

Big L gets completely silly after the younger 3 go to bed. She didn’t do this over the summer, but parents of preteens and teens tell me this is normal. I have to admit, it can be a little bit of a challenge sometimes. I’m used to sort of crashing after my kids go to bed. Give me some chocolate and a Downton Abbey marathon, okay?

But, this is pretty much how things are…

But, it’s our time together and it’s all good, especially as this is the second to last night we’ll have a chance to do this. 😦

We played a bunch of games of Skip-Bo tonight.

Big L also wrapped Aaron up in a blanket.

Like I said… totally silly.

We’re getting ready for our last day together tomorrow. She and Aaron will leave very early on Wednesday, actually arriving at their destination around the time I drop the kids off at school. Pray for us if you think of it.