Category Archives: Adoption

Adoption

Oops

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Thanks for your kind responses on my last post. It’s hard to put myself out there and really talking about how I am feeling. but I do think honesty is beneficial to most. Especially families who are considering adoption or experiencing similar emotions.

The kids had their dentist appointments today. Everything went just fine. It is a pediatric dentistry practice and they are very equipped to handle kids, which was just great. The kids really thought it was fun. I had been stressed thinking that they might totally freak out, but you know what, I was wrong. And on that note, take 20 minutes and watch this video…

http://video.ted.com/assets/player/swf/EmbedPlayer.swf

Adoption

The Truth

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about adoption and attachment. Two things tonight really got me thinking– one was a great blog post by my friend Kelly and the other is a fantastic Facebook group for parents of hurting children by Courtney.

I’ve gotten plenty of advice on parenting over the last few months. I’ve heard comments about how my kids are doing very well considering, they’re just great children with all that they’ve been through, etc. On the flip side, I’ve also been warned that they have a lot of baggage and pretending it’s easy won’t do any of us any good.

Those first few months home were so hard. Harder than I let on to most people– really anyone but Aaron. I didn’t want to go to sleep at night, because getting up meant doing it all over again. Is that post-adoption depression? Perhaps. Is it adjusting to the new experience of parenting? Partly. But I think that there were a lot of experiences and emotions I didn’t fully understand or share that also came into play. It’s easy to tell you how my child wets his pants and that is frustrating. It’s hard to tell you how my child picks any adult over me and how painful and difficult that is.  Not just as a parent trying to move forward from the past and resolve an issue, but as a human being choosing to love somebody and feeling pushed away.

In many ways, we have had it easy. I know their are families who struggle with far more difficult than we do. But the truth is, that we do struggle.

A large part of my own thinking was that it was all in my head. Feeling jealous, feeling upset that my child picked another adult over me, that was me being controlling and insecure. I didn’t generally want me and the kids to spend time with other people, because of the sort of behavior and emotions I’d get out of the kids and myself. Manipulation, triangulation and a tantrum thrown in for good measure once everyone leaves. Those are awfully big words to throw around– we’re talking about preschoolers here, right? But, for a child who spends their young life needing such survival skills, it’s not far fetched at all. Dealing with those sorts of emotions and behaviors always leaves me feeling frustrated and inadequate.

I don’t want to make our situation out to be worse than it is. But, the truth is, parenting a hurting child is different and in some ways more difficult than your typical parenting. The truth is, it’s not all in my head. I am acknowledging this, because I know I must not be the only parent who doubts themselves and thinks perhaps it is normal or just age-related, like other parents say. I also don’t want to give you the impression that our life is all cute kids and fun outings. It’s not. We are slowly making progress and it’s really only in retrospect that I can see how hard I’ve been on myself over the past few months.

Looking back, I remember one of the first posts I read on Courtney’s blog,

“Why can’t I love my adopted child? 

If you tell me you haven’t said it out loud or at least thought it, then either …. 


A. You don’t have a kid with attachment issues and your kid is just one of those kids that came out of trauma unscathed. (which like never happens)


B. You are lying. 


C. You are in denial. “


I have certainly thought that before, especially in the midst of everyone else saying how much they loved my kids, and I guess I just figured it was all me. Someone suggested maybe it was just Post Adoption Depression. I think I personally just thought it was some failure of my own. But, I’ve just long been in denial of my own emotions and the real reasons behind our struggles. 


Where are we going to go from here? Well, first of all,  I’m going to be a bit easier on myself. Friends, especially those of you coming home soon or right now, the last thing you need when you get home is to be hard on yourself. Secondly, I need to do some re-considering what attachment and parenting mean for our family. And third, I might punch the next person who tells me that it’s normal age-appropriate behavior. 


(P.S. Please don’t take it personally if you have told me something like that. I know it is easy to see things that way and to think that something sounds like an age-appropriate behavior or to only see how well our kids are doing, when there is actually more to it.)
Adoption

The Dom

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Ilya and I had a good talk about “the dom” today. Dom is Russian for home and it’s what he calls the orphanage where he lived. We had been talking about our family, and he really enjoyed hearing how we were all related– son, daughter, husband, wife and how we loved him. Then he told me how he used to be little and I asked him where he lived when he was little like that and this conversation started.

Here is what I remember of the conversation. I tried to let him lead it for the most part, but there were a few things that I wanted to know.

I like living in the dom. There’s peoples. Lots of peoples. There’s food. There’s babies. Water. Juice. Coffee.
Did you drink coffee?
No. It’s hot. Coffee for grown-ups.
Did you wear a diaper or underwear?
Underwear.
What happened if you went pee in your pants?
No pee in the pants.
What happened if your bed was wet?
I wake up, I look (acting it out). It’s not wet.
Oh, did you drink a lot of water or just a little bit of water?
Just little bit water.
What kind of food did you have at the dom?
I have potatoes. Burgers. (what we had for dinner last night). No cry at the home… dom.
They have beds.
How many?
Lots of beds. I have pillow and blanket. One blanket.
They have chairs.
How many?
Um, let’s see… eight chairs.
I go in a red car.
Where did you go?
There’s people up high. I have to stand like this (puts arms out). They go like this (pretends to cut hair). Like scissors on the leg.
Did they cut your hair?
Yes, um, it’s kind like a shower. I go in a bus.
Where did you go?
Dasha, Liva (which can either mean Olivia or Alina),… Lena.
Where did you go?
The grocery store. We buy apples, bananas, cheese, grapes, pineapple, peaches.

I don’t remember too much of more of the conversation. He just loved telling me about it.

Adoption, Everyday Life

Songs to Play for your Little Ukrainian

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Ilya has an incredible musical memory. Seriously. He can hear a song one time and he will sing his own 4 year old version of it weeks later. Erin, an adoptive mom of an adorable 4 year old, posted some songs on Facebook, and I thought I’d try playing them for the kids.

This was the first one I played. The kids usually spin around anytime I play something on the computer and try to watch the video… even if it’s not a video. When this song started playing, they both just froze and stared at the wall. Then Ilya turned and looked at me, I asked him if he knew it. He responded “pa-pu-guy”. Then they both started laughing and dancing. Music was obviously a favorite time at the baby house!

The birthday song… always a favorite here, even when we don’t have a birthday!

When I asked Ilya if he knew this one, he just told me “Bayu”. I’ll take that as a yes!

Adoption, Everyday Life

Q&A 1/2/11

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Are Lena and Ilya also going to have American names?
I was thinking they were Scarlett and Reid? 
Yes, they do have American names… Reed and Scarlett. But we are going to call them Ilya and Lena for as long as they like. They don’t know about their other names yet, and we have no plans for a transition. We love their Ukrainian names, but wanted them to have the option of a name which sounds more American when they get to public school. Especially for Ilya, as Ilya is a very Russian name and sounds a bit effeminate to some. Their new names are their first names and their Ukrainian names are their middle names. The name that they want to be called will always be up to them!


Were you allowed to interact with or observe any of the other children at 33? there is a specific child I am interested in…and I could email you privately and tell you the situation. I would love your input on the size of the institution, the area and your general thoughts.
I shared about this more on our travel blog, but everyday, we’d see the older kids groupa, the kids age 3-5, walk by after their music class. We also spent some time with “James” one day. Feel free to email me with your questions. MMorris87@gmail.com. The orphanage is decent. The children get good care there and I really enjoyed the region we were in, for the most part.

Were your children already familiar with one another? Not sure if children are separated by age into different rooms, etc.
They knew each other, but did not seem to know each other very well. I think this worked out for the best. They play nicely together and get along, interact with each other, etc. A concern with adopting two children from the same orphanage is that they may have had to compete for resources in the past, but that is not the case with them.

How was the flight home? I missed out on the travel blog! 🙂
We had three flights. The first two were not fun at all. The first was hard because the kids were wide awake and antsy. And we had three seats and then one. So Aaron took both kids since I had not slept at all. The second was our terribly long flight. They slept but it still got rough. I can’t blame them, but that was hard. We should not have seated them right next to each other either. The third was pretty good. We had two seats and two seats. That worked best. Lena slept most of the flight and Ilya was okay too.

What are your thoughts on your children´s Ukrainian heritage, do you mean to keep Ukrainian traditions 
We’d love to keep up some of the traditions, but we want to use traditions which we can do as a whole family. Like St. Nicholas’ day and other Ukrainian holidays. I’d love ideas if anyone has them for traditions which are easy to do as a whole family.

What are your observtions of Ukraine in general.
Sometimes Ukraine would seem just like the United States and other times I’d feel like we had stepped back 50 years. There are lots of things which seem weird to me, but that is my perspective as a Western observer, who does not understand their customs. There are other things which are brilliant and we ought to implement here in the United States. Like paying for plastic bags at the grocery store or tunnels underground to cross busy streets or wearing the same outfit a few days in a row.

How is the attatchment going
It’s hard. Ilya and Aaron definitely have a bond. Ilya gets so excited when Aaron gets home from work and so sad when he leaves. He clings to Aaron whenever there are new people around. Lena and I seem to have a bond too. Honestly, it’s hard to tell. She calls for me sometimes. “Mama? Mama?” I can’t really speak for Aaron and Lena, because like I said, I have a hard time judging even our bond. Ilya and I are working on it. It helps when Aaron is gone. Both kids just soak up affection. Ilya likes to be a silly boy and wipe off my kisses, but he just lights up when he gets hugs and kisses. Lena is the same. Obviously attachment is hard from their perspective. It’s possible they’ve never had a strong attachment to another person. It’s hard from mine too. It’s hard falling in love with someone who treats you very poorly much of the time. I think you other adoptive parents may know what I mean.

My question relates to akopp’s, have y’all been to a dr. in the US yet? Any plan of action yet?
We have not. Obviously, this last week, the only week we’ve been home for, was that nutty week between Christmas and New Years. We wanted to give the kids some time to settle in too, before they’re poked and prodded. I am eager for their medical tests and to make sure that they are healthy. I’ll let you know how that goes when they happen.

I deleted a few questions, because I do not feel comfortable answering them publicly. Shoot me an email to find out what’s up and I may answer them privately. MMorris87@gmail.com. I will try to do a Q&A once a week if I continue to get questions.