Hard Day

Today has been a no good, very bad day, as Alexander might call it.

One of those days where you’re woken up in the middle of the night for a potty break, but someone still soaks his diaper and gets the bed and pajamas wet. The kind of day where stick things explode all over you and the counter tops and it’s only 8am, so good luck finding time for a shower. You can’t get the caps off of bottles and your husband has already gone to work.

Then you call tons of doctor’s offices and your insurance company. And still don’t have a single appointment scheduled by 4pm. Because you can’t get a real person and have to leave a message.

Someone won’t swallow her carrots and won’t spit them out either. Just wants to scream with carrots in her mouth. Until she spits them out onto the bed, when she is supposed to be laying down for a nap. And she screams for an hour.

And then finally, both kids nap and you go to shower. And, you hop out of the shower and someone is screaming. This time the easier kid, but he won’t go back to sleep. And then the dogs bark. So, dogs in their crates. And the boy still won’t sleep. Then, papa comes home and the dogs start whining because they heard him. And you leave the boy alone while you talk to the papa and then the boy starts crying because he has to poop. And then the papa takes the boy to the bathroom. So you let the dogs out, and they bark again and then the screaming girl wakes up.

But then, the papa takes both kids and both dogs and goes out and you actually have a few minutes to sit and breathe.

Seriously, that was my day. Ugh. When Lena woke up crying, I just started crying. Her nap was too short. They need naps. Both of them were falling asleep in the evening yesterday.

Lena screams and cries A LOT. She is grieving and angry. It might sound odd, if you don’t know what I mean, but it’s normal for adopted kids to grieve all of their losses– previous life, birth parents, etc. Even if what they have now is better than where they were. The truth is, grief and anger, isn’t pretty on anyone. Especially a 3 year old who can’t communicate it. It really comes out whenever she NEEDS something. Needs a nap. Needs food. Needs to potty. I can’t imagine all of her emotions right now. From our perspective, it is pretty miserable too. To be on the receiving end of all of her grief and anger. Even just to watch her mourn.

Ilya is the total opposite. Lots of people told us he was guaranteed to be harder, being older and a boy. I may be jinxing myself here, but he is doing extremely well. He does have his moments, but generally, he seems unscathed. When he was crying today, after I took my shower, he obviously had been crying for a few minutes. Saying “mama”. And I walked in there and he reached out for me to pick him up. I cuddled with him and kissed him and he was fine again. Totally fine, ready to roll around and play. He loves being cuddled and kissed and picked up and held. Yes, he gets upset when he can’t have his way, or when he’s tired or hungry, but he doesn’t seem to carry that grief and anger that Lena does. Sometimes he seems like the ignorant ideal of adoption, a kid who is incredibly grateful to have a mama and a papa. And sometimes it seems like I must have just hit my head too hard and he is our bio kid who has been here for the past four years. Like how he teases me after I kiss his forehead by wiping the kisses off.

I wanted to share how both of them are doing with you. Lena because I think what we’re going through with her is normal. It is common and it is brutal. With Ilya, I want to share it because I want more people to consider the boys. To know that all boys are not as hard as many think they are and maybe there is a waiting little boy who will slip into your family just as easily.

14 thoughts on “Hard Day”

  1. Thanks for sharing Molly! We have been home for 3 weeks now with our 3 year old daughter and I agree it hard. I am glad you are writing and sharing it on your blog. It is hard to share that part of the coming home process. I really have yet to do that and have really been thinking a lot about how this part needs to be shared also. I know for me to know and read that what we are going through is normal is helpful and brings me back into perspective.

  2. {{{{Big Hugs}}}}What a tough day for you indeed! I hope tomorrow will be better and the children cope with their new life and learn that everything is OK and their Mama and Papa love them very much and will do anything for them. You are in my prayers… As I've stated before, you are very brave to be adopting two kids. I don't know how parents do it. Keep up the great work, you will be rewarded soon enough *fingers and paws crossed*

  3. I´ll be praying for you. It´s encouraging to read how well Ilya has been adjusting, he´s clearly an amazing boy I feel certain that what you´re going through with Lena is a normal thing. Just a part of getting adjusted. You are a wonderful family and I know you´ll make it through this!

  4. Everyday is progress…even the bad days. With the love and support you and Aaron have, Ilya and Lena will both come to know what special people they have been blessed to have adopt them.As far as those bad days like today, heck I have them too and have no kiddo's other than BnJ to contend with LOL.(Not laughing at your rough day, just trying to make a little lightness out of it)Does any agency offer counseling for the grief and anger for the children and new parents to learn how to deal with it productively? It is such a beautiful gesture but as you say, no matter what, the kids still grieve in some respect even once in their new loving "home"…Lots of prayers for strength and unending love for you all!~WeimaMama

  5. Hugs & prayers coming your way. Thank you for sharing how hard it can be. I think you are so brave to do that and not pretend that it's easy. I never thought of the grief and the anger aspect of it before. Poor Lena. This must be such a difficult time for her. And hence a difficult time for you. You and Aaron are awesome for adopting these two. Just keep on loving on them and one day, you will look back on this blog, and see how far you all have come.

  6. All mommies have days like this, adoptive or not!!I can tell you one of my best mom tips. Each of my kids has a box fan in their room, and we keep it on high, for the white noise. You can buy a white noise machine, but fans are a lot cheaper. It soothes them – when you travel, it almost has a Pavlovian effect – and it keeps them from hearing dogs and phones and each other. Prayers for a very good Tuesday 🙂

  7. Molly, I promise it will get better. It is an ajustment period for all of you. Things will fall in to place. We have been home for 5 months now and I can honestly say things are better then when we first came home. You have your good days and your bad days too. You get a system down and things will get better 🙂

  8. Sorry for your bad day. Having 3 boys and 1 girl, I can say my boys are easier than my girl! Girls are pretty dramatic… not saying my boys aren't though.Love the b-day pictures below. And that levee picture is gorgeous. Hoping today is a better day.

  9. I am so sorry it was a bad day for you and SO GLAD you came tonight anyway. How brave you are, and what a joy to meet these precious ones, and see them just join in a play with the others (mine, too, that hadn't had naps!!). You are doing so well, and they behaved so well, and we are so happy to get to know your beautiful family!! Looking forward to getting together soon! Enjoy grandma's visit next week, and if you need to vent at all, please let me know – I'll probably need to vent too 🙂 Hugs!

  10. I hope today was a better day. You have my total admiration and respect for adopting these two and as I've said before, when I see pictures of them smiling it's clear how amazing they are and will be.When I was adopted, my mom told me that I was fine for a week and then screamed for 72 hours straight, no breaks. And then I got on with life. Even now, I completely identify with the grieving – but cannot imagine another life. My best wishes to your family!

  11. Oh, Molly my thoughts are with you! Things can only get better now, right?!? Like everybody else has said, you even have days like this with bio kids that have grown up in your care. Just keep pushing through. I'll be praying for you!

  12. ((hugs)) to you, Lena and Ilya. Everyone is adjusting to a new life, and yes your kids are grieving in their own ways. Everything they have ever known has been lost. I am glad you understand this is normal. It takes time, but soon they will find their new normal. If you are able to get out even if its just for a little bit, I found this helped pass those incredibly hard days a little faster.I hope today is much better. Thinking of you

  13. It was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day!We all have them. Settling in is rough. Some kids have 'honeymoon' periods where they seem to be getting along just fine and others simply do not! Alina was kind of in between. I think she was in shock for a few weeks. Then she settled and then she became her old self again. You know, dramatic, stubborn… divAlina. 🙂 We have good days and we have bad days, but the good are finally outnumbering the bad and she's understanding and speaking so much English now that the language barrier is falling down.Many thoughts and prayers to you. You were just dropped into motherhood of two preschoolers. God bless you and your sanity, 3yr olds are HARD! Coming from a mom who has been through the three's with two boys and smack in the middle of the three's with an adopted girl! LOL!

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