Tag Archives: honesty

Shadows

November 15, 2013 Molly 6 Comments

I’ve been trying to write this for years. To share a piece of myself in the hope that it might help others. Here goes.

In grade school, I was always smiling. I was one of the teachers’ favorites– agreeable, sweet, friendly. Happy.

I’m sure many people I know casually would still describe me that way.

But, the truth is that I’ve always been good at “putting it on”. Smiling can quickly convince people of much– that you are friendly and that you are keeping it together. It’s convenient. Smile and move on with your life.

And, a smile can be deceiving. It can be the bare minimum to get people to leave you alone, to convince them that you do have it all together, that you don’t need their help, thankyouverymuch.

I’ve mastered that use. The quiet deception. Of course, I’m okay– I’m smiling!

In reality, I’ve lived with depression for most of my life. I first remember having the realization that I was depressed when I was about 12. By the time, I hit high school, I was profoundly depressed. At 16, you can pass off barely crawling out of bed as a grumpy teenager.

On the outside, I was a success. I had a job, a boyfriend, and many friends. Honor Roll, Odyssey of the Mind, Key Club, choir, student government, newspaper. . . that well-rounded, well-involved, well-liked student. And, I was living with depression. Intense, very real, very dangerous depression.

As much as I like to keep it hidden, I’ve lived with depression ever since. There are seasons where it goes away entirely, where I can feel everything fully and happily, but there are many seasons where I live in the shadows of depression. Much of college. The fall after I met Aaron. After we adopted Reed and Lena, those hard months while we waited to bring Gus home, and again after we adopted Gus.

I’ve learned that many people do not understand depression. “I was depressed after I failed an exam.” “I was depressed when my boyfriend broke up with me.” It’s possible that a difficult life event can trigger depression, but more often, that feeling is just prolonged, deep sadness. Sadness is an emotion. It’s fleeting. When you are sad, the feeling is real in that moment, but you can still keep perspective on your life. And perhaps most importantly, you have a reason to be sad.

Depression is a disease. It’s a dark filter over your life. It makes the sadness sadder, the happiness less joyful, the anger more intense. It’s an unshakable weight, pulling all of your emotions down a notch, making them murkier. Or, sometimes, it makes everything duller. Where you would feel sad, where you would feel angry, where you would feel happy, all you can feel is apathy. “I don’t care.” “May I please go back to bed now?”

I chose this season to share a piece of my story with depression because this season is when so many people feel that dark cloud creeping in. It’s the season when I always fight the darkness off as long as I can, but it always finds me, at least a little. I know I’m not alone and that’s really want I want you to know, too: you are not alone. While I am not an expert and my experiences are only my own, there are a few things that I want to share, for those walking through this and those supporting them.

Depression will wreck you. One day, you will find yourself different. Angry, ungrateful, apathetic to the world. Not yourself. This is the first thing that I want you to know about depression, whether it is you or your loved one dealing with it. You have NOT changed. You are sick. There is nothing wrong with your attitude that can be fixed with a change of perspective. Depression is burying you. This is not your fault.
There may be no why. Well, there is a biological why, but there may not be a why in your life circumstances. Rich people get depressed, poor people get depressed. Both Christians and atheists get depressed. Anyone can get depressed, regardless of how perfectly everything in their life is going. Please, please do not ask “why” someone is depressed.
It’s okay to be depressed. Do everything you can to fight your way out of it. Seek out people who can help you. Call your doctor and a counselor. But, also, know it’s okay to be depressed. Recognize your feelings and let yourself feel them.
A depressed person is not an easy person to be with. No matter how much your friends and family in your life love you, depression is hard to take. Remember how I said it changes you? It’s not pleasant to have a new, miserable version of your loved one. But, they still love you and care about you. They want to see you get better.
You are important. To quote one of my favorite T.V. shows, Doctor Who, “Nine hundred years of time and space and I’ve never met anybody who wasn’t important”. The line is fiction, but the sentiment is true. Your experiences, especially these hard ones, they make you important. Your tenacity, your survival, the depth of your feeling, that can be a gift to others. You can do great things. Many amazing people have lived with depression– Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, J.K. Rowling, Mozart, to name a few. It’s a miserable experience, but you are sharing it with some of the most intelligent, compassionate, creative people who have ever lived.
Lastly, remember, this is not the real you; this is the disease. Hang on to the real you as tightly as you can.

While this is my story and I’ve wanted to write it for many years, this was partly inspired by Kevin Breel’s Ted Talk. And, I’ve also been inspired by Glennon Melton’s blog Momastery, her call for truth-telling. Ann Voskamp has also written some great stuff on her experience with depression, my favorite being What Christians Need to Know About Mental Health.

“Life is brutal. But it’s also beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life’s brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly that they can’t be separated. Reject the brutal, reject the beauty. So now I embrace both, and I live well and hard and real.” -Glennon Melton

[Photo Credit: First photo was taken by a family member, likely my mother. Photos 2&3 were taken by my friend Ashleigh Millman. And, the last one was taken by me with the help of self timer.]

Everyday Life

And now, I duck.

April 9, 2013 Molly 10 Comments

I don’t generally share much about my personal beliefs or my testimony. It makes me squeamish to open myself up to that scrutiny and I have no interest in that kind of debate. And, this is blog is more to do with our family and adoption. However, this is something I’ve been carefully thinking about and trying to find a way to share for years now. As a disclaimer, this is a post about my faith and is directed at other followers of Jesus.

I graduated from the university near where we live now, but before that, I went to a small private liberal college for women in a very liberal town in the Northeast United States. I was very young, my views on the world still developing, but up until that point, if you were to survey my beliefs, I would have ended up somewhere on the moderate side of liberal. My family didn’t regularly attend church growing up, but I was certainly somewhat familiar with the bible and Christians. I knew a few decent Christians, but for the most part, I thought followers of Jesus were quick to throw the laws at you. Quick to remind you exactly why you would be burning in hell. And even if they didn’t say it, they were certainly thinking it. Especially quick to condemn gay people. Yes, there were more liberal denominations, more liberal Christians, but from what I’d heard from the most vocal Christians in my life, they weren’t even following their own bible. The bible said that homosexuality was a sin so those liberal Christians might be even worse. Watering down their own faith to make it fit in America.

At college, I met a ton of cool people. People who identify as lesbian, gay, transexual. People born with female anatomy, but who use the men’s bathroom. Beautiful people, who came to this college because they were welcome, free from judgement. People who cared about social injustice. People who volunteered their time to help others. It seemed to me like those people cared a lot more about those who Christians would call “the least of these” than Christians did. The Christians were a bit too busy smacking people over the head with their book full of laws and finding the the verse which would send you to those eternal flames.

I ended up leaving that college. A straight girl who didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life and wasn’t too interested in the tight knit college atmosphere, I just didn’t fit in. Not because of my beliefs, but I just couldn’t find my place in a sea of women.

That was when I joined AmeriCorps. That was when I met my husband. He fascinated me. Not in a lustful way, but with genuine curiosity. The first thing I learned was that he had spent 7 months in New Orleans, volunteering full time to help with disaster relief after Katrina and now he was committed another year of his life to serving. I had spent several weeks in New Orleans, not even close to his length stay, but we had this in common. We both loved the hands-on helping and serving others that we found in NOLA.

But, there was another thing that possibly fascinated me even more. He was a Christian. I would find him praying or reading his bible and while he didn’t engage us in his faith, he’d talk about it when asked. One person on our AmeriCorps team was particularly fond of debated, so he’d engage Aaron. Aaron would disagree firmly, but not in a way that felt imposing or close-minded. Even though I agreed with the other guy on most things, Aaron always approached things with reason and without being inflammatory. That earned him my respect.

Aaron told me his beliefs. He explained why he believed the bible was truth, what he believed it said and how he lived that out. I told him how I didn’t think I could be a Christian, because I couldn’t love a God who condemns people to hell just for being gay. He listened. He never compromised his beliefs, but he always considered my point of view. This was such a strange experience for me. We could disagree on everything that mattered to us and still talk about it and enjoy our time together.

For the first time, I had a genuine curiosity about God and the bible, not because of what anyone had told me it said, but because of who my now-husband was. That was what led me to Christ.

Since then, I’ve learned about grace, how who Jesus died for on the cross, and what the bible says and how biased individuals use different translations to prove their point on any number of issues.

I didn’t write this post to share my own political beliefs. I’m actually not going to– sorry, as I’m sure that’s what some of you were waiting for. I wrote this because I’ve seen the harm it causes when Christians lead with condemnation. When it takes the form of a Facebook profile picture, or a political rally, or a causally written blog post. When the lead isn’t that Jesus loves us and died for all of us, but that marriage is threatened by gay people. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely a time and a place to share even controversial beliefs and it doesn’t serve anyone to water down or edit our faith to suit everyone. But, when you casually share in a public setting, remember that that is the first thing that what you are sharing is the first and perhaps the only thing that people will know about you and Christ in you.

“Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Colossians 4:5-6

Everyday Life

On Shaming

October 6, 2012 Molly 3 Comments

I failed again yesterday. I wrote a blog post on giving myself grace on Thursday and on Friday, I woke up to find myself in almost instant frustration.

Gus said “no” a few too many times. I caught myself telling him “no” and I began to dig in. “He says no because you tell him ‘no’. He wouldn’t say it all the time if you didn’t say it all the time.” Each time he said “no”, I dug in a little harder, repeating this thought in my head.

And, we had a rotten day. Tired. Frustrated. I seriously doubted my parenting abilities once again.

I saw down for a few minutes in the evening– to catch my thoughts or maybe just to check out. I was reading posts on my favorite parenting forum. This post in particular was advice to someone new. One part read something along the lines of “Shaming is not okay. Shaming your kids is not healthy. And don’t shame yourself either.” Great advice, I thought. I don’t want to shame my kids– I know that’s not going to teach them or help them grow into healthy adults.

Gus walked over to me. “No,” he said.

“There it is again. I wish he’d say ‘yes’ instead. This is all my fault. Don’t you remember when he said ‘yeah’? Now you can’t stop saying ‘no’ and he can’t stop saying ‘no’.

Wait. Go back. When he said ‘yeah’ all the time? Can’t stop saying ‘no’? He went through a ‘yeah’ phase. And an ‘all done’ phase. A few days ago was the ‘ma’ phase. And the very first one was the ‘papa’ phase. This is how he learns a new word. Don’t even Reed and Lena do the same thing? Repeating it and using it until they understand it?”

It hit me. It was not my fault. Sure, I do tell him “no” a bit too often when I could try something more directive. But, I had blamed myself and lived my day shaming myself over and over again.

Where did we get yesterday? No where. I don’t think we took a step back, but no forward progress was made. If anything, I dug my heels a bit deeper into the mud of mistakes and shame I am trying to wade out of.

Why share this? Why be honest and raw in such a public place? I am not alone. So many of us fail to give ourselves grace when we need it the most. Or perhaps we heap the shame and frustration on someone else. If I(or my spouse) didn’t do xyz, my child would not do this bad behavior. Maybe you are right and there is some truth to that. So begin to stop doing xyz. Parent yourself with the same grace that you want to give your child. And that means gently reminding yourself when you do xyz. GENTLY.

Today, we began a new day. Gus told me “no” and I kissed him. I asked him if he wanted to eat breakfast and as he started to say “no”, I enthusiastically said “yeayeayeah!” and we ran over to his seat. “Yeayeayeah!,” he repeated.

And today, we will mess up again. I will say “no”. Gus will say “no”. It’s very likely I’ll even begin to shame myself again. But, I will begin my day here knowing that mistakes are okay, shaming is not, and that I want our house to be full of grace.

Everyday Life

Making Mistakes

October 4, 2012 Molly 7 Comments

I have not been writing much lately. I have a hard time writing when I am stressed. Everything seems to come out negative or frustrated and I have a tendency to say things which just aren’t honest, valuable, or uplifting. I don’t shoot for all of those things in every post, but I try to at least find one– especially honest.

Life is stressful. Having someone’s life in your hands 24/7 is a big deal, especially someone tiny and sneaky who seems hell-bent on putting himself in the most danger possible. I find parenting so hard and sometimes I question whether or not I am really cut out for it. I get angry, frustrated, and tired often. I am weak and tell myself that I am not enough.

Last night, I was praying about that, and I wanted to share something that I wrote…

I ask God, “did I hear you wrong? Did you create me for this life?”

I dare to question if I am capable, instead of resting on and seeking counsel in my creator, my husband’s creator, my children’s creator, my friends’ creator– the creator of all things and the author of all of our stories.

I can tell God that I am not able. I can let go of any of my own weaknesses and my own strong will and instead ask him to work in me and through me.

I can chose to never be more than I am today. I can chose to “stay stuck” as a friend of mine would say. Or, I can chose to be more. Simon to Peter. Saul to Paul. They could have held on to their weaknesses and never grown into who Christ called them to be. Simon Peter could have given up and only been known for his denial of Christ, but instead he became the rock of the church. And Paul could have lived in guilt over his persecution of Christians, instead of sharing the gospel throughout the Roman empire. What would the church and the gospel be without Peter and Paul?

I am human. And it is okay for me to make mistakes. But, it is not okay for me to know myself by them and build my life around my mistakes.

So, I am choosing to be more. I am choosing to belong to a kingdom that is not of this world. I am choosing not to limit myself, but to let Christ renew and change me.

This is one of my favorite verses, and I know I’ve shared it a few times before, but I need to share it again.

But he said to me: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That’s why I delight in the weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Everyday Life, First Adoption

A Love Story

April 19, 2012 Molly 10 Comments

You often hear stories about a parenting meeting their adopted child and it’s love at first sight. It happens. But, more often are the stories you don’t hear. The love stories that are won after many battles, the love that grows slowly, day after day watering with no noticeable progress.

These stories are so much more complicated. They’re not shiny and fairy-tale like. They are the stories of tears and sleepless nights. Prayers and painful questions. Recognizing the hurt of a young child. And the deep wounds and the inadequacies of an adult.

But, while I hesitate to share it, Reed and I are one of those stories. Reed came into our relationship hurting. Cognizant that I was another woman in his life. Who was I? How long would I stay? For me, it was more like he ripped my stitches out. As some people would say, he pushed my buttons. Opening up old hurts and frustrations. Creating new ones.

Honestly, we seemed incompatible at first. Most of the time, we drove each other nuts. I wanted so badly to control him and manage him, not considering his strong willed personality. Only made worse by people who told me that I need to win and make sure he didn’t think he was the boss.

He was never interested in me. He would pick anyone else’s attention and affection over me. Even if we were alone, he would just ignore me, if he had everything he needed. We would both celebrate the moment Aaron got home, giving us relief from our long days together.

For months, we just plugged on. I did my best to fake it. Meet all of his needs, hug him and kiss him. We’d play together and I’d walk away frustrated and exhausted. Other people would tell me how wonderful they thought he was, only twisting the knife a bit more. A reminder that it was just our relationship that was broken. Still, we plugged on.

The milestones were tiny.

One day, he drew me a picture.

Slowly.

Another day, he’d grab my hand out of nowhere, holding it as we went on our walk.

Slowly.

He’d do silly things just to make me laugh.

Slowly.

When he broke his leg, he let me hold him when his leg hurt late at night and we watched movies together.

Slowly.

One day, a friend pointed out how nervous he looked when I walked out of his view.

Slowly.

I woke up one day and realized I wasn’t faking it anymore. I hadn’t been for awhile. My love for him was real. I was not longer acting out love because I knew we both needed it. I was being affectionate, and doing things for him and spending time with him because I loved him.

Now, it seems like he draws me at least two pictures a day. He asks me to play with him all the time. We love to read books together. I enjoy poking him whenever we pass each other. And, it’s not uncommon that he grabs my hand or wraps his arm around my leg when we go on walks. Sometimes, I just like to sneak up and tell him I love him, which makes him run away in embarrassment… smiling.

We still have plenty of moments where he drives me nuts, or he gets mad at me, because he got in trouble. Plenty. He’s 5. We’re both human.

Recently, I picked him up out of the car and swung him around. As I reached to help Lena, he wrapped his arm around my leg unexpectedly. “What’s that for?” ” ‘Cause I love you.”

I wrote this for myself, as a reminder of how far we’ve come. And to share with my friends, who are at the beginning of their complicated love stories.

Reflecting on this whole process, as I’ve read and edited this post over several days, I realized it doesn’t end here. I am not done with this sort of difficult love. A reminder that I especially need to love people in my life who seem incompatible with me, who seem impossible to love and who I think may never love me back.

“You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.”

Matthew 5:43-48

“Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
   Love doesn’t strut,
   Doesn’t have a swelled head,
   Doesn’t force itself on others,
   Isn’t always “me first,”
   Doesn’t fly off the handle,
   Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end.