Making Mistakes

I have not been writing much lately. I have a hard time writing when I am stressed. Everything seems to come out negative or frustrated and I have a tendency to say things which just aren’t honest, valuable, or uplifting. I don’t shoot for all of those things in every post, but I try to at least find one– especially honest.

Life is stressful. Having someone’s life in your hands 24/7  is a big deal, especially someone tiny and sneaky who seems hell-bent on putting himself in the most danger possible. I find parenting so hard and sometimes I question whether or not I am really cut out for it. I get angry, frustrated, and tired often. I am weak and tell myself that I am not enough.

Last night, I was praying about that, and I wanted to share something that I wrote…

I ask God, “did I hear you wrong? Did you create me for this life?” 

I dare to question if I am capable, instead of resting on and seeking counsel in my creator, my husband’s creator, my children’s creator, my friends’ creator– the creator of all things and the author of all of our stories. 

I can tell God that I am not able. I can let go of any of my own weaknesses and my own strong will and instead ask him to work in me and through me.

I can chose to never be more than I am today. I can chose to “stay stuck” as a friend of mine would say. Or, I can chose to be more. Simon to Peter. Saul to Paul. They could have held on to their weaknesses and never grown into who Christ called them to be. Simon Peter could have given up and only been known for his denial of Christ, but instead he became the rock of the church. And Paul could have lived in guilt over his persecution of Christians, instead of sharing the gospel throughout the Roman empire. What would the church and the gospel be without Peter and Paul?

I am human. And it is okay for me to make mistakes. But, it is not okay for me to know myself by them and build my life around my mistakes.

So, I am choosing to be more. I am choosing to belong to a kingdom that is not of this world. I am choosing not to limit myself, but to let Christ renew and change me.

This is one of my favorite verses, and I know I’ve shared it a few times before, but I need to share it again.

But he said to me: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That’s why I delight in the weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

7 thoughts on “Making Mistakes”

  1. You go girl! Fight the good fight of the faith 🙂 These precious kiddos have come so far! They know how loved they are and you are such an inspiration to the rest of us! Blessings and much grace to y’All 😀

  2. Molly, my father always taught me, “honesty is the best policy.” I think this truth holds for honesty with ourselves as well. Parenting is the toughest job you will ever love. It is flat out tiring and trying; particularly with our adopted children. Are there days when I wonder if we made a mistake and my convictions about where God was leading were false? Yes, often. I wonder why my daughter has this tendency to want to whore herself out to other adults and when/if it will ever stop. I wonder to myself, will my love, the love of our family, every be enough? I wonder, is there a pint-sized terrorist behind that cute smile, completely manipulating and draining the entire family? Before we adopted the words manipulation, triangulation, indiscriminate affection, etc., were not in my vocabulary. To use my French, and I hope it’s ok given the context, I had no idea how fucked up adopted children were. Now I do, through no fault of their own.

    But I want to say this, I consider my relationship to God the Father and how I act toward Him, my behavior. Am I a whore, turning to various idols? Yes. Does God ask Himself, will my love every be enough for him? I am sure He does. Do I practice indiscriminate affection, honeying up to other gods so easily. Yeah, I do that. So I wonder, given the lowlife that I actually am, consistently falling so short of where I imagine myself being with God, how can it be that He loves me so deeply? And when I think about this, I have no choice but to reconsider how I understand my relationship with my daughter. I must reach out and continue to love her, even when she hurts me.

    And all of this said, I realize that parenting the adopting child is a journey like no other, it is not a destination, there is no, “ahh, I am finally there.” I try to use the military tactic, “bite and hold.” Which means, keep moving in the right direction and try not to go backward. If we go backward, whatever, it’s easier to regain that ground because we know it well.

    I share this with you to let you know you are not alone. This is a ridiculously hard road you are traveling with very few people to pat you on the back. I share the path with you. So few get it, but I do. In the end, I love my children and the long efforts are always worth it to me. Am I able to get up, look myself in the mirror each day, and feel good about the me that I am? The answer is yes, despite my limitation. Be good to yourself girl, you have a large heart and I see it, God sees it, your family sees it. You are not failing, you are parenting! Rock on, km

  3. I’d be willing to bet every person can relate to these feelings at one point or another. You are in one of the hardest seasons of life right now and your faith is inspiring. I pray you find joy in knowing that every little moment of your motherhood is a moment invested in the Kingdom. Thanks for your honestly and your example of faith in the hardest times. xo

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