Tag Archives: Faith

The Art of Losing Myself

“Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us…
I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love”
-Sara Groves, No Good Thing

I am hurting today. I do not understand all that we’ve been through in the last 7 months, and all that we have yet to go through. And why. I do not understand God’s timing. I don’t understand why our family was chosen for this path. I miss Baby A. And I miss the simplicity, the way things were, before we began this journey.

“Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing You praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame.”
-Hillsong, From the Inside Out

One foot in front of the other. Following. Even though I have no clue where we’re going.

Happy Easter.

Q&A 4/3/12

 “Would you prefer a predictable God who does things just as you think they should be done, or would you prefer an all-knowing God who sometimes baffles you?”

When I first read this question, I wasn’t sure if it was intended as a genuine question, or a rhetorical question intended as a prod that my whining is a bit out of line, or something else entirely. Then I saw who it was from. 🙂 Sometimes I forget it’s not my job to be in control. I think that life would be pretty boring if things always went as I planned and there was never anything greater in store. This whole adoption process has been a test of me letting go of control and practicing patience.. Apparently I need a lot of practice. Does that answer your question? I definitely prefer to be baffled.

“How do Reed and Lena compliment each other and/or drive each other crazy?”

When I thought about how I wanted to answer this question, I thought about our gotcha day, the day we took them from the orphanage. The day it stopped being just playtime for them and became real. Here is part of the blog post I wrote from the next day:

“Obviously, we love both of them and can’t imagine leaving either of them behind. But, I am SO glad that they have each other. In the car, just after leaving the orphanage, Ilya[Reed] was obviously upset. Lena reached over and started stroking his face. The two of them were a riot in the train cabin together. Going back and forth, teasing each other with food. Most of the time, they play very well together and seem to enjoy each others’ company. We are convinced that they are going to be the kind of siblings who are best friends.”

15 months later, this is still so true. I adore their relationship.

Reed is a natural leader and Lena is a natural follower. I think that helps a lot. They love to play together. They do fight over toys sometimes, or they fight for attention. They’re both human beings, so they obviously don’t always get along. But, they love each other A LOT and have a very close bond.

I was wondering if you and Aaron would consider having a biological child?

Well, this is an interesting topic. The question everyone wants the answer to, but I am not sure my answer will be satisfying. Aaron wants to have bio kids. I am kind of indifferent. I can’t really imagine having more than 3 kids. A year ago, I said I couldn’t imagine adopting again, so whatever I say may or may not happen. Sometimes I feel so adoption-centric that I forget we’re not normal and things we deal with are not typical of raising kids. That it would be a different experience with bio kids. For me, it still seems to be something way off in the distance.

My husband and I have been talking a lot about adoption versus having biological children and the unique challenges that a family has when they try and blend the two (which is what our plan is).  I would love to know your thoughts on the matter, and anything that you feel like sharing when it comes to the personal decisions that you and Aaron have made.

As long as we’ve known we were considering adoption, I’ve had this thought in my head. I think I’ve thrown everything I’ve ever thought out the window, the more families I meet. Once you adopt, your child is your child, no matter how they are added to your family. If we have bio kids, they will not share the same history as R, L & A. It’s hard for me to imagine adding a new person to our family who wouldn’t arrive out of a place of loss and hurt… an addition who wasn’t in some way, bittersweet. It really is weird for me to think about. If we decide to have bio children, I am not too worried about how that will go, apart from normal new sibling emotions. I think it would open up a lot of discussion about how families are formed and I think with thought and preparation, it could be a very healthy experience for everyone.

Have the 3 grey fur kids made anything for baby A?  

Just some holes in the backyard. I think they’re devising an obstacle course for him, to test how well he can walk. Oh, and they’ve been trying to get him a cat, but I keep thwarting those attempts.

And do you make them wear shoes too when you photograph them? (I’m picturing miss J in a pair of high heels for some reason;p)

Come on, Amy. We all know Josie is way more of an engineer boot kind girl. Or maybe minimalist sneakers. I can definitely see her rocking some Vibram Four-pads. In Hot pink. Cache is definitely the heel wearer in our family. I thought about taking a photo for you… and then I thought about it some more.

Any other questions?


Obviously, I’ve been taking some time away from blogging (and most other internet communication– if I haven’t emailed you back!). No news.

I can pretend everything is okay here, and I’m just trusting God in this situation. And enjoying life in the mean time. That’s what I’d really LIKE to be doing. But, that’s not where my heart is.

We had trouble getting our first set of paperwork done back in October. Just silly little mistakes, but I thought we might not get the paperwork off as quickly as I felt we needed to. Silly little mistakes like a notary not stamping a page is a HUGE deal, when your husband works all day long an hour away and you need to get this apostilled that day.

Fortunately, it worked out. As I drove away from the notary’s office, headed to Topeka to get everything apostilled, I heard this song on the radio. It spoke to me then. To the point that I can tell you I was turning left onto 6th street in front of Walmart when I first heard it.

Earlier this week, someone shared it on Facebook, and it speaks to me right now.