Lena is still melting down constantly. She just bursts into tears over the most odd, random things. One day, we were headed to the grocery store and she started crying. I asked her what it was and she said “grocery store” (as in she wanted to go there). It was the same way we always drive to the store. I was not too thrilled. This is very typical of her lately. Crying usually slows us down from what she really wants to do. Go in the car, go to the grocery store. This weekend she was particularly upset and missed out on eating lunch with everyone yesterday, a trip to the playground and Sunday school today. She starts crying and can’t stop herself.

While everyone went to the playground today, we just cuddled and I gave her a bottle of water like a baby. She seemed to really enjoy this and I took the opportunity to rub her back and tell her all of the things I’ve been telling her a lot lately– that I’m her mama, that I love her, that I’m always going to come back when I go somewhere. After she was done cuddling, we looked at some photos of the orphanage. I thought this might help us get somewhere. We looked at all the rooms and she told me about them. I am not sure if it is real memory, or just that she can recognize a bed, a sink, a play room, etc. We talked about the different people that we saw– and whether they were nice or mean. She alternated for every person “nice, mean, nice, mean”. Then I asked if she ever wanted to go back there and she told me “no”. So, I told her she wouldn’t and we said goodbye.

I thought that might all help, but when it was time for Sunday school, she started in tears again. I told her she needed to calm down to go and we gave her plenty of time to calm down. But, she never did. I took her upstairs and held her for awhile. Eventually, she asked me for water again and she took it like a baby, laying in my arms, drinking the water. Then, we laid down together for awhile. I don’t know if this is what she needs right now, but she doesn’t resist it.

In one of her better moments.

Reed has been doing really well lately. He can really hold a conversation with you and talk about his feelings. He can tell me about different things that have happened, even awhile ago. He told me that “Liva” (which is either Olivia or Alina) got attacked by a big brown bird at the orphanage one day?! He can tell you what is wrong and what makes him feel better. This is just great and I feel like it has really improved his relationships all around. He can also understand so much, so we have lots of talks about what it means being part of our family and what all of our roles are.

He and I had a good talk about a week ago. Aaron and Lena were already in bed, so I asked him if we could talk after his bedtime story.  I brought up the orphanage, “the dom” as we call it. I asked him how he felt living there, happy or sad, sometimes happy, sometimes sad. He told me he was sad. “Why?”, I asked him. “Because there was no mama and no papa.” No hesitation… he just melted my heart.

Tonight, we piled on top of him to give him his pre-bedtime hug and he wrapped his arms around our necks and said “these are my peoples.”

These are my peoples, and my doggies.

All photos courtesy of Photography by Amy Hall.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about adoption and attachment. Two things tonight really got me thinking– one was a great blog post by my friend Kelly and the other is a fantastic Facebook group for parents of hurting children by Courtney.

I’ve gotten plenty of advice on parenting over the last few months. I’ve heard comments about how my kids are doing very well considering, they’re just great children with all that they’ve been through, etc. On the flip side, I’ve also been warned that they have a lot of baggage and pretending it’s easy won’t do any of us any good.

Those first few months home were so hard. Harder than I let on to most people– really anyone but Aaron. I didn’t want to go to sleep at night, because getting up meant doing it all over again. Is that post-adoption depression? Perhaps. Is it adjusting to the new experience of parenting? Partly. But I think that there were a lot of experiences and emotions I didn’t fully understand or share that also came into play. It’s easy to tell you how my child wets his pants and that is frustrating. It’s hard to tell you how my child picks any adult over me and how painful and difficult that is.  Not just as a parent trying to move forward from the past and resolve an issue, but as a human being choosing to love somebody and feeling pushed away.

In many ways, we have had it easy. I know their are families who struggle with far more difficult than we do. But the truth is, that we do struggle.

A large part of my own thinking was that it was all in my head. Feeling jealous, feeling upset that my child picked another adult over me, that was me being controlling and insecure. I didn’t generally want me and the kids to spend time with other people, because of the sort of behavior and emotions I’d get out of the kids and myself. Manipulation, triangulation and a tantrum thrown in for good measure once everyone leaves. Those are awfully big words to throw around– we’re talking about preschoolers here, right? But, for a child who spends their young life needing such survival skills, it’s not far fetched at all. Dealing with those sorts of emotions and behaviors always leaves me feeling frustrated and inadequate.

I don’t want to make our situation out to be worse than it is. But, the truth is, parenting a hurting child is different and in some ways more difficult than your typical parenting. The truth is, it’s not all in my head. I am acknowledging this, because I know I must not be the only parent who doubts themselves and thinks perhaps it is normal or just age-related, like other parents say. I also don’t want to give you the impression that our life is all cute kids and fun outings. It’s not. We are slowly making progress and it’s really only in retrospect that I can see how hard I’ve been on myself over the past few months.

Looking back, I remember one of the first posts I read on Courtney’s blog,

“Why can’t I love my adopted child?